Doesn't make sense

I have the power to fuck with my life or with the people that I love.
One thing is right, or I hurt myself, or, I hurt someone that I love, and now, I did the both. I hurt myself, and I hurt my parents and relatives...
I always wanna do the right things, but I don't know, something always happen in my brain and make I do the wrong things. Sometimes I just wanna be a different girl, but I fuckin' know how to do this!!!!!
I don't know why I'm writing this stupid text in English, and I don't fuckin' know why I'm writing here, in my blog.... maybe I just wanna write, maybe I just wanna talk, but I know that I can't talk with my friends 'cause they don't understand me.... and I can't talk with me parents because I hurt them, I broke their faith in me.
My parents are ashamed of me, and I'm ashamed of myself.
I know that my parents want the better to me, I fuckin' know about this, but why I like to fuck with everything when all it's ok? I'm a teenager and I have a lot of mistakes, but I didn't want that the life was like this.
I don't have the answers to my questions, and now, it's all so confused in my brain. Sometimes I just wanna disappear and forget all my problems, but this is imposible.
I was thinkin' about what I am doing with my life, and I see that I ain't livin' the present and I ain't livin' the future, maybe I am lost in past, but I don't know about this too.
I just wanted someone or something that understand me and helped me to live this fuckin' shit that is happen to me, but I don't found nothing that can help me, and I think that just me can help myself.
I'm the kind of girl that catch all the problems of the world, to me, and I fuck when I do this.

Some people say that "friends are the family that we can choose", but I don't know with I really want this family, but I know that I really love my real family... but I like my friends too, so I don't know what to do....

One thing that I know that I can say: sometimes I'm smiling, but inside, I'm crying!